Thoughts after a Funeral

Funerals are never easy. They bring up a mix of emotions, people cry, they laugh, they smile. Often going from one to the other in just a couple of seconds.

Today was one of those days.

Due to the ongoing crisis there are a lot of restrictions on funerals. Only 10 people can attend and you still have to keep a distance, so no hugs if you don’t live together. It feels weird not being able to hug someone at a funeral.

So todays post is going to be a bit different. I don’t want to write too much because I feel absolutely exhausted. I just want to share something that I had to go through about three weeks ago.

There’s not always a tomorrow

She was family – not immediate but also not very distant and she suddenly passed away a couple of weeks ago.

We had just had a celebration in honor of her 80s birthday two weeks before that and now the doctor on the phone was saying that she wasn’t here anymore. I was in shock, so much so, that it almost felt unreal, like this wasn’t really happening at all.

It did happen and I’m glad I got to be there at the birthday party, seeing her happy and hearing her say that it was the best birthday in her entire life. I’m glad, because this is how I remember her. Joyful, funny, caring. We all had a lovely time.

When I think of her there is this good feeling, I don’t get as sad as I had expected, I just start to smile. I’m still sad that she is gone though, it’s just that this memory gives me a warm feeling.

Regrets

Looking back, I almost have no regrets in regards to our relationship. There is just one thing that really hurts.

When I came back home from the hospital I sat down and saw a note. And on it it said “call her”. It had been on there for a couple of days. I had meant to call her to talk about her birthday and to thank her again for the invitation.

I never did.

There had always been something keeping me from calling. One day it was cleaning the apartment, the next I was busy with work, another I might have just forgot.

I didn’t think anything of it. Because “I can still call her tomorrow” and in the end it doesn’t matter if I call her on Wednesday or on Friday or on the weekend.

Usually it doesn’t but in this case she was gone by Saturday.

Looking at that note really hurt because I felt extremely guilty. Guilty that I hadn’t called. Guilty that I didn’t talk to her again after her birthday. So I had to throw the note away.

I immediately called my grandparents because this experience had left me regretting not just picking up the phone more often and calling. It would’ve been so easy but I just didn’t think anything of putting it off to a different day.

In the end

I know that I can’t change the past. And I know that I’m really grateful that my last memory of her will forever be one of her happiest days.

But this has taught me not to take ‘tomorrow’ for granted. Because you never know who’s not going to be around to see it.